“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
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Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Mouse
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.