Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
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Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Basically.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.