*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.