If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
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Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.