Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
You Might Also Like
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.