I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
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*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
HR said no more nunchucks.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?