Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
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Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.