Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
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[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.