Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
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Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.