*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
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beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
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Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
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[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
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manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
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Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
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After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
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That’s whey past my bedtime.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.