I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
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Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Watermelon Boss!
I’m giving up for Lent.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
new record!
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot