For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
You Might Also Like
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.