Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
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Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.