“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
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[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
🤣🤣🤣
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
And bowling should be called pinball
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses