65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
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Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…