If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
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I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Taking phone security to the next level.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again