Cndnsd Mlk
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Inside you there are two wolves
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Oh thanks BBC.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.