I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
You Might Also Like
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not