sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
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I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle