I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
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Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Worst perfume name ever.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Me :
All Day At Night
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.