Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
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i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
is it earth
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.