First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
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Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
More like Kate Missington.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too