Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
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date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.