Very problematic
You Might Also Like
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else