“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
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How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”