When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
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“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.