Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
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did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target