God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
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When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?