me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
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“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
The USS B port
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.