TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
You Might Also Like
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”