Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
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waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
pls suprot
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.