Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
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Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
happy friday
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*