Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
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hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I think I’ll stand
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY