If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
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getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.