Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
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Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Okay, I’m still confused…
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.