I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
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I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Guys, I found it.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Meat Cute
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.