One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
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Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite