I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
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I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.