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[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.