A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
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I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Make new friends? bro out of what?
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.