PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
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My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I want this so bad
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.