*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
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Maths meets science
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.