ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
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Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.