I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
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Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
All generalizations are stupid.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
what do you want!!!!!!!!