I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
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There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I want what they have
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.