Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
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Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess