You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
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My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.