Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
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I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
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Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.