I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
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Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
It’s the weekend y’all
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.