Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
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I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air